Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..