@TheMichaelRock

Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.

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@HughGoesThere

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

@jonnysun

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

@UnFitz

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

@d_haggar

I want this election to be over so badly you’d think it was a friend’s play.

@dadmann_walking

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: [from table] gar?on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

@overdesigned

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

@OfficeofSteve

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..