Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
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Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’m being attacked 😭
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese