@AaronFullerton

“Oh, don’t use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture.” -Whistler’s Mother

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@behindyourback

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

@weinerdog4life

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

@jonnysun

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

@DanMentos

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

@AimeeHelene1

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

@noog

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

@qwertying

My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.

@undeadmolly

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.