In space, no one can hear…
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
What a website
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl