It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.