“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Feels
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
You can’t outrun your problems…
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.