“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

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[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.


I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people


If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.


Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”



Kids: *already running away with my pants*


[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here


The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.


“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending


Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die