@slimmy_shady

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

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@Playing_Dad

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

@zakagan

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

@Bunnydurden

If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

@SvnSxty

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

@JimmerThatisAll

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

@knot_eye

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

@pixelatedboat

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die