[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
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If you ever Google “Grandfather Clock”, be careful how you spell that shit.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die