Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
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Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.