Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.
– Frank Piñata
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
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8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.
People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
A long time ago….
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.