OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
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please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
This is enough internet for the day.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances