Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
#SCOTUS one-star review
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me