“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Breaking news:
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.