“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You Might Also Like
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
i like to flex on them by shrugging