Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.