“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
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me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t