“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
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Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.