“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT