*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me: But, the conditions are terrible..
CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[ Spelling bee ]
Your word is Harry Potter
Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!