Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
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Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me