Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.


Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.


My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.


Sometimes you run into people who totally change your life for the better.


Those people are called bartenders


If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.


Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.


We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.


#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot


If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.