Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
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I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
cat vs inanimate object
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My flabber has been gasted.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian