Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.