The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?