@boring_as_heck

Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?

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@mack44_d

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

@facciabella

An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.

@david8hughes

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

@sixfootcandy

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

@DiamondGirl127

“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys

@Browtweaten

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

@SatansTongue

*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
NO!
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
“But daddy-”
DON’T CALL ME THAT

@leonbyrdvevo

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab