I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.