Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

My Sentiments Exactly

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from