Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
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your honor my client chooses dare
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
men are simple creatures
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there