Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
You Might Also Like
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Brb my Sims are getting married