Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Who did it better?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH