Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I identify as an antique shop.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.