@TheSharona06

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

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@sarcasticmommy4

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@yaboybillnye

WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT

@Rollinintheseat

When you’re talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.

@Smooheed

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

@FunnyMojoJojo

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

@DaddyJew

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

@chrisdowning

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

@junejuly12

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

@leakypod

[watching sunset]

me: wow its pretty

gf: funny how the slow death of something that once burned so passionately can be beautiful

me: haha what lol

gf: we need to talk