I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
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[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.