oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class