People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I enjoy a good short stor
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts