Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.
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Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.