@KenJennings

Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.

You Might Also Like

@indiedaylie

Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

@MarfSalvador

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

@blitz2six

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

@AndyRichter

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

@MomofTeen

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

@VerbsRProudest

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

@Kendragarden

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.