Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
You Might Also Like
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.