[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
WHO DID THIS?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her