@Scott_A_Gilmore

Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.

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@joejwest

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

@DaddyJew

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

@Shock_Monster

NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?

I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.

@AbrasiveGhost

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

@Naked_Wombat

9: You like Twitter Dad?
Me: Yep
9: I’ll join and be your friend.
M: Cool, extra math is great!
9: It’s a math thing?
M: yep
9: nevermind

@rolldiggity

Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.

@m3aruf

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those

@CAshmanActor

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’