They say intelligent people are rarely happy I guess that’s why you’re always smiling
Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.
That’s never happened before.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke
I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.