@Scott_A_Gilmore

Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.

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@tsm560

They say intelligent people are rarely happy I guess that’s why you’re always smiling

@citizenkawala

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

@Mr_Kapowski

Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke

@thentherewasmo

I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well

@KimmyMonte

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

@mrtruthandsoul

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@2questionable

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.