CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.
That’s never happened before.
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Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
NASA is planning to lasso an asteroid and bring it to the moon?
I was unaware NASA had hired Wile E. Coyote to plan their missions.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
9: You like Twitter Dad?
9: I’ll join and be your friend.
M: Cool, extra math is great!
9: It’s a math thing?
Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
Cop: license and registration
Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’