You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun