Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Come back with a warrant
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.