ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
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11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
twitter users today:
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?