“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
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Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber