Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Woke up against my better judgement again
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing