I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.