@thestlouisan

Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.

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@Lisa_Laughs_

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

@mattvbrady

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

@JamieDMJ

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

@iTomFoolery

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

@wickedimproper

Interview:

“Can you hold scissors?”

“yes”

“Welcome to SuperCuts”

@ericacanrant

You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.

@SomeChrisTweets

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

@Staggfilms

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.