Detective: Where were you on the night-
Detective: Between the hour-
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.
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im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
“Can you hold scissors?”
“Welcome to SuperCuts”
You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.