*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
When the stylist spins you back around
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”