If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
same bro
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Saturday
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.