@Ygrene

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

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@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

@_AlanGarner_

My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like “It wasn’t that hard.”

@markydoodoo

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

@thenatewolf

*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*

@Steelers1972

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

@XplodingUnicorn

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

@missekay

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

@QwertyJones3

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

@hipstermermaid

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.