Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*

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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.


My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like “It wasn’t that hard.”


if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.


*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*


If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….


My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken


Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.


Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.


You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.