“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?