Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Elon Musk: *launches car into space*
Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class
Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man