“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.