Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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I just love that new Pope smell.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.