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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?


Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.


{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.


ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.


The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB


ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm


Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?


one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later


Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold


[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not