Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Me: Oh shit, this guy is really cute
Body: Here, have a cold sore
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?
one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex
fibonacci: absolutely not