40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.