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@Holy_Mowgli

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@sad_tree

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

@McGrumpenstein

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@tastefactory

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

@tobyherman27

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

@tweetsbyrocket

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

@2sassy4anyH

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.