“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
what does he know…
I have never related to anyone more.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.