OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
You Might Also Like
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s