“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!