@hashtag_dta

oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years

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@TheZachCozad

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@dubstep4dads

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

@Thomas1774Paine

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

@tiemoose

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

@noog

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

@MortifiedMama

On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’

@clichedout

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

@AnnaDoesntWant2

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

@causticbob

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”