oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years

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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.


man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”


Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.


date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha


The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.


On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’


her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen


Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.


A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”