Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
How do you milk an almond?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?