My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
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The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.